Hello! my name is BoB!

I couldn’t believe my luck! It was a miracle! I never thought that I can be so magnificent! I think everything happened only because of my gorgeous qualities. I could have died a thousand times that day! But no! I survived! I’m just like Jesus! OK…actually, this is not a very good example… Jesus died once, I didn’t. So this proves that I am way better than him.

However, we’re not here to write about saints or whatever. I need to tell you about my extremely lucky day. Firstly, I didn’t wake up. To be honest, I did wake up, but really late, so my chances of getting to school on time were more that nonexistent. Therefore, I decided to skip classes. I was much younger and inexperienced, so you’ll have to forgive me for my ungracious act. After taking this decision, I walked thorough town in search of some adventure. I am too awesome to do boring stuff all day.

After a moment of thinking, I knew what I had to do. I had to go fishing. But not anywhere, I needed to fish in the Sasarus River. I felt it in my blood, and I was totally right! I can be so brilliant sometimes. And I really love to walk along the river’s bank. Anyhow, I started fishing, and although I didn’t catch to many fish, I did saw something fishy. It was a crazy boy sailing in a hot tube and yelling, so I started to throw rocks at him. He seemed high and I didn’t want him to kill me and the best solution was to make him pass out. It didn’t actually work the way I wanted, but the best part is that I am still alive.

At some point I got bored of catching nothing. I am too wonderful. Walking on the streets, I saw a familiar face and I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was the same boy for the hot tube and was coming in my direction with a teaspoon. I tried to ignore him, but seemed extremely determined to do something, so again I had to hit him, and I must say I’m not at all proud of myself. I took a baseball bat and kicked him. He didn’t fall, and tried to kill me with the teaspoon, so I had to beat him in order to same my life.

If it weren’t for my stupefying self-consciousness, I would have been dead and not able to write this story. I must agree that skipping school is not only a bad thing to do, but is also dangerous. Therefore, if you are not as lucky as me, don’t do it! The next days I was still in shock! I couldn’t believe my luck!

[Poor BoB! He doesn't know that he hit poor Chucky!!!]

Thoughts of Suicide

cred ca o sa mor intr-una din zile. nu stiu sigur ce m-a adus la aceasta concluzie. poate orele in exces de analiza matematica, sau cele de informatica. parca simt cum sirurile si matricile ma imping in mormant pe zi ce trece. nici nu mai stiu de ce ma duc la scoala.doar nu mai e obligatorie.zici ca n-am ce face si ma da timpul afara din casa. proasta alegere! stiam eu in prima zi de scoala ca am luat o decizie proasta. scoala, mai mult decat e obligatorie, face mai mult rau decat un om poate indura, oricat de putermic ar fi.

vreau sa ii multumesc ” lu’ doamna diriginta” ca m-a indrumat si m-a ajutat sa imi aleg profesia. daca nu am innebunit pana acum, nimic nu ma mai doboara, asta e clar. si in somn o vad pe femeia aia cum se tureaza pe minut ce trece. cel mai interesant e sa o vezi cand ajunge pe la viteza a patra, a cincea. atunci ai impresia ca ii pusca frumoasa capatana si te rogi sa o faca cineva sa clacheze. asta nu s-a mai intamplat de vreo 4 ani, deci e ca o legenda. deja o vad plangand!! dar evident ca e doar un vis frumos.

cred ca in urmatoarele zile imi voi face si testamentul, ca sa stiu sigur ca nu ma ia dorinta de sinucidere pe picior gresit.sper doar ca pana maine in prima pauza sa imi treaca. pauzele si clipele frumoase ale tineretii sunt singurele chestii care ma opresc sa nu iau ceva supradoza.

God bless us all!

Emo Letter

[Everybody heard that Kami killed her Granny so her emo friends started writing her]

Dear Kami,

I’m so sorry I haven’t written for ages! What can I say? I’m a busy person! I can’t stay and write letters all day-long. But anyway…that’s not the point. Of course, I should tell you why I’m writing this. I won’t ask you “How are you?” or “How’s school going?” because I know you’ll answer me something like ” Bad. Emo.” and I’m not in the mood for that.

Yesterday was so much fun! It really got me out of the routine.  But I really don’t understand why some people were crying. There could be a possibility. I was the only one that had vodka and knew how to dance conga( we were about 7 people, but I only remember Bob, Stephie Emo, DeeDee Emo and myself). I know I’m modest. OK. I can tell that you don’t understand what I’m talking about so I’ll explain it to you. I decided this after I remembered that you had thrown you grandma off the Sasarus Bridge and I supposed you are a maniac who loved blood (not in a vampire way). Stay calm. I’m getting to the subject right now.

As I said, yesterday was a very interesting day. I was in the middle of the street dancing conga with Stephie Emo and trying not to fall into  the septic tank and not to lose the three vodka bottles. Of course I lost one, or drank it, I’m not sure. However. That’s not the point. While I was dancing, I saw a woman crying. BITCH! Of course the emo kids couldn’t miss the moment and said she was tru. What was that crazy woman doing on the pavement in the middle of the night?? Anyhow, who cared? But then a cul black shinny car appeared from nowhere. It was so exciting. It looked like it belonged to the mafia or something like that and I took the decision that I want to die hit by that lovely car. OK. The driver obviously didn’t see me and Stephie Emo and was coming towards us. I thought that was the last moment of my life and I was thrilled, it was perfect, but then I saw that the driver was trying to avoid us. How stupid! Aren’t we cul enough to dirty his fancy car? Then I saw blood! But I wasn’t mine! Addle-brained idiot! The car hitthe crying bitch! She was so bloody lucky! She stole my future, she broke my dreams! I’ll kill her! I went to see her dead. Now it was bad luck(for her, of course). She wasn’t dead but I think she went into a coma. How cuuute. Her left foot was caught under one of the car-s wheels, her head was bleeding and Stephie Emo was throwing up. I think she’s bulimic.

I hope you enjoyed my story, although nobody was killed. Please don’t cry! Maybe someone will die next time!

Write you as soon as I see another accident and hope you’ll do the same.

Kisses,

Paty Emo

Chuckie in Love

‘OMG! It hurts! For fuck’s sake!’, yelled Chuckie with anger.

Of course he doesn’t  know what happened. He was just sleeping in a vat while sailing on the Sasarus River. But we know the story. Remember? The one with Kami and her Granny? Kami killed her Grandma and then she fell of the bridge because she was too drunk to stay on her feet. Remember now?? Good. Soo.. let’s start.

‘Where’s my angling rode?? OOOOH! IT’S BIIIIG!’. Looks like Chuckie has caught a big fish! Good for him!

‘YEEEY! My first fish ever! two points x, two points x.’

‘You arsehole! I’m not a fish! I’m Kami! I hit you after I fell of the bridge!’

‘What? Nooo! You are a golden fish! And I love you!’. Chuckie hugged Kami and tried to make out with her.

‘No fucking way! Jerk! I don’t kiss high monkeys!’

‘I no monkey. Jackass, yes. But no monkey!’

‘Don’t care! Freak! Where’s my grandma?’

‘No idea. What grandma? That big ugly fish? With lots of grey and red? Think it’s in the water. It looked really scared. It hurted when it fell on me. Me scared.’

‘Geesh! You really are stupid!’

‘Are you a mermaid?’

‘ODM! No! I hate you! go away!’

‘But you on my boat! If I go, you go.’

‘Don’t care! GO AWAY!’

And so starts their LOVE STORY! Emo, huh? Stay tunnned!

Cute Beartardo

The Beginning of an Emo Legend

It was mid-morning- a very cold bright day. Holding a potted plant before her, a girl of fourteen jumped off the bus in front of the Old Ladies’ Home, on the outskirts of the town.

She should  be visiting her Granny. She really hated her grandma, but her mother always insisted on her going and seeing that ugly witch! For Christ’s sake! It’s just a fucking old bitch!Let’s kill her!

‘Oh my God! I can’t believe she did it again! Why am I so stupid? I must be emo! OOOH NOOO! I didn’t say that! Mom is good. That’s all. She convinced me again to go and visit her bloody mother!’, the girl was thinking while walking to the elders’ orphanage.

Her name was Kami[the first emo] She was a little blonde girl, with incredibly fascinating blue eyes. She seemed so innocent, and cute, and adorable, and…everything. But if you looked closer[and closer, and closer], you would see a dark flame in her eyes and looooots of cuts on her body. All over it! Maaaan she really was a masochist!!

‘OK! Let’s see what options do I have. I could go and see my lovely Granny and pelt her with stones, OR I could go to the  pub next door. “White House” is really nice. I could go there and drink a shot of tequila or two with the President of the USA. Hmm…tough choice..Yeah! Right! jk! Buh-bye Granny!’

She left the potted plant in front of the door and ran to the pub.

‘A shot of tequila, please.’ [The emokids from the other table said she was tru].

After 30 minutes and lots of shots of tequila, Kami put her drunk head on the table and fell asleep. She found herself shopping with Paty Emo. They were in front of a shop and Paty Emo was asking something about her invisible boobs.

‘Oh dear Lord!’, yelled Kami. Bob and Christian Emo were making out! ‘Paty! Look! My boyfriends are are licking each other right in front of me! WTF!!”

‘WooooW! How cuul! Your boyfriends totally rock!’, Paty turned around and looked at the guys.’I want to make out too!!!’, and she went and started making out with them.

‘I think I’ll cry!!!’, whispered Kami for herself.

Kami suddenly woke up.[The emokids said she was tru.] ‘Paty Emo is such a bitch! Even in my dreams she steals my boyfriends!’, and she looked outside the window. There were four boys coming to the pub and right before they entered they started making out! ‘ODM!!! All my four boyfriends are making out?? They really are emo!!!’

She went straight to them and started yelling. ‘ You are all emo and I hate you! Bastards! Go in hell and be violated by the devil! I want you all to die!’ and she slapped them. [The emokids said she wasn't tru anymore.]

‘I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE THIS PUB! AND I HATE MY GRANDMA!’, and starded cutting her veins.

Meanwhile, Granny entered in the pub and moaned ‘A shot of tequila!’. She went to the bar and saw her niece..’WTF is going here??’

‘Granny! You are a bloody alcoholic! You shouldn’t be drinking!’

‘Drink my ass! You’re just like your mother! Oh, and thanks for the dead plant.’

‘Anytime, Granny! You know how much I love you!’

‘Yes. Yes. I know. You always show me your love.’

‘Oh, Granny! I’m blushing!’

‘You needn’t. But I see…You’re whiter than ever.’

‘Oh, Granny! You’re so kind! Let’s go and have a BigMac.’

Kami and her granny were crossing the Sasarus Bridge.

‘You’re so emo, my darling! I can’t believe we really are relatives..But still..maybe you were adopted. There is a possibility. IN our family never existed blondes.

‘Granny, you must be joking! You really are drunk!’

‘No,  I’m not joking. I do think…’

‘You think I’m EMO! ODM! I can’t believe it!’

‘What? Weren’t we talking about you being adopted? WTF is happening here??! OMG! You really are insane!’

‘Really? So you don’t really think I’m emo?’

‘What? Of course not!’

‘Oh Granny! I knew! I knew…’

‘I’m sure you’re emo!’

‘…’

‘I mean..it’s obvious! Shit! You’re fucking bleeding! You fucking emo bastard!’, Granny threw up in Sasarus River.

‘Shut up Granny! OMG! ODM! You vomited in Chuckie’s head!’

‘I don’t care! And I won’t shut up! You can’t make me stop.’

‘Oh yes I can!’

And Kami threw her off the bridge in The Sasarus River.Of course, after she cut her veins. Couldn’t be different! All I can say is that Granny suffered a desintegrating death.[The emokids said Granny was tru.] Oh! Yes! Kami falled down in the river too. She was still drunk!

Chuckie suffered a lot.